
The Drama Triangle
We all have witnessed or experienced a Drama triangle. It usually starts with our parents and siblings and can carry over to our friends , relationships and coworkers.
A drama triangle can force us to repeat the same behavior and old reactions time and time again. If you’ve ever found yourself trapped in a personal Drama Triangle, you will already know how detrimental it can be to all interpersonal relationships.It can really drain your energy, it can starve you of personal growth . So what happens in this situation? and how to overcome it?
The Drama Triangle is a power game involving three tightly bound roles.
1. The Persecutor
2. The Rescuer
3. The Victim
The Persecutor- refers to the role of someone who is critical, blaming, controlling, and often acts like a bully essentially putting another person in the "victim" position by constantly finding fault and assigning blame; they are essentially the antagonist in the dynamic, often saying things like "it's all your fault.”
The Victim- feels persecuted, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed, and seems unable to make decisions, solve problems, take pleasure in life or achieve insight.
The Rescuer - Is someone that loves to help. They take on the responsibilities, burdens, and problems of other people, and they concern themselves with other people's lives, problems, and decisions, more than their own.
We are often drawn to one role; however, we typically move around the three roles in conflict during different circumstances. These unhealthy reactions to conflict, differences of opinions, and disagreements in the Drama Triangle hold people back from addressing issues at the root level. The behaviors perpetuate the drama and consume time, are counter-productive and cause frustration, anger, and misery. These hidden
agendas and subversive conversations erode communication, trust, and cause great damage to relationships.
The triangle can also take place with just two players. When there are more than three
players, several people can play the same role. The Drama Triangle is in motion and never static. The players move quickly and reactively from one role to another and swap between their roles.
While a healthy person will perform in each of these roles occasionally, pathological role-players actively avoid leaving the familiar and comfortable environment of the game. In each case, the Drama Triangle is an instrument of destruction.
The role of Rescuer may be the easiest to admit to, since it actually sounds praiseworthy or noble on the surface. This is not genuine philanthropy, however—it’s really about control and being in someone else’s business, thus neglecting your own.
If you’re accustomed to being a Victim, on the other hand, you’ll often find yourself looking for someone or something outside of yourself to blame. (In fact, the hallmark of all the roles is that your attention is usually directed outward.)
Finally, although no one likes to admit to being a Persecutor, if anger is your go-to emotion when things go wrong, you’re probably operating in that role. In reality, anger is just a mask for underlying fear, shame, and powerlessness. Sadly, adult Persecutors were often Victims as children. In the drama triangle there are no good guys and bad guys—everyone loses.
How to get out of the Triangle
Once you’ve become aware of your patterns, it becomes much easier to recognize the game and, eventually, step out of it. Since the drama triangle is all about being in other people’s business, stepping out of it requires you to remain firmly on your own!
This means acknowledging and honoring your own feelings and needs, and allowing others to be responsible for theirs.
It also means taking responsibility for your own actions and their consequences, and letting others do the same. This might require some “tough love,” both toward yourself and others. You might not be the most popular person at the dance for a while. Codependence (which is essentially what the drama triangle describes) is a system. It requires multiple players to function, so people will probably be upset when you opt out. In fact, you can count on it.
“You have no friends. You have no enemies. You only have teachers.” ~Ancient Proverb
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